Jodi Picoult gets it, man.

Posted: October 16, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

She really does. That woman understands how life works. The world is just a bunch of little moments clumsily sewn together to make you you and me me. The important things don’t come out of nowhere or happen all at once, we’re just determined not to see the little things that build up to it.

Here is my interpretation to Jodi Picoult and her writing. Somehow she manages to take all the little moments in life and build a picture of how life flows and changes. I don’t do that. I just string together a few moments.

The moment I realized that I needed help and was too chickenshit to ask for it:

Stranded, stuck, trapped.

No money, no ID, no car, no way home.

This weekend, my purse and keys disappeared in Dallas. I live in Austin. This made for a bit of a problem since I had no way to pay for food, no way to move my car, and I lived halfway across the state.

People weren’t very willing to perform services for me such as towing my car or programming new keys for it since I didn’t have a valid ID. All I had on me was my phone and sketchy worn out student ID.

I called my dad. He told me what to do. I did it.

I got a tow. I got new keys made. I’m a big girl and although seriously inconvenient this is a physical problem I can tackle.

I called him again at some point during the process. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to help me with the real problem. I wanted to fix more than just my car trouble.

He answered cheerfully, just getting out of a movie with the rest of my family. The timing sucked. The rest of my family could hear.

My mom called back a few minutes after. Dad had told her I sounded down and she told me this was a problem we could handle. Tears welled up and I left awkward pauses before each choked out answer, somehow keeping the tears out of my voice.

I ended the call without saying a thing that I wanted to.

I didn’t admit I’m not perfect.

I didn’t tell them “I’m not okay.”

I didn’t ask for help finding a good psychiatrist.

I surfed the web and tried to forget that I was broken. Because right about then I realized this wasn’t temporary or going anywhere. I also realized I couldn’t break the mold of being the ‘okay’ family member even if it was a lie.

So I did nothing.

Which was everything.

The moment I realized that other people find me attractive:

I have already learned to find myself attractive in an out-of-the-blue, poolside moment this summer, but only this weekend did I realize anything more than that.

I went to a get together for my friend’s business fraternity at a fancy bar in Dallas. A cute tall guy talked to me. I’m talking like at least six-five. He towered over me and I loved the feeling.

We flirted and became facebook friends before the night was through. He told me he would be in Austin soon and that he really wanted to see me then. I said sure. I mean I’d been talking about finding a fuck buddy anyways, having only ever slept with my best friend in awkward short visits. Why not? He seemed chill.

At a stereotypical frat party the next night, I had one fratty guy practically humping my leg while a second more reasonable one (who wasn’t trying to twerk on my crotch while I was cornered into the counter) asked me out on a date for later in the weekend and proceeded to text-flirt with me all night.

The next day I flung my car into a parking spot in a fancy parking garage, knowing full-well that it was reserved for some higher up in that company. I looked how I felt: hair frizzy, baggy t-shirt, and dark circles under my eyes. Just that morning, I had my car towed and had expensive work done on it just to realize it was all for nothing. Parking laws be damned.

The parking attendant asked me to move. I gave him a smile and moved it to an equally illegal spot, daring him to protest. I walked across the street and gathered my purse from the evil restaurant. I came back and strode to my car, more than happy to leave. The parking attendant stood in front of my car and literally stopped me so that he could get my number.

Maybe it’s my personality. Maybe it’s my looks. Maybe it’s their extreme desperation. Either way, guys actually do find me attractive.

Holidays can be nice.

Today, my roommate came home with a pumpkin in tow as well as potato-man-esque body parts to decorate said pumpkin. We decorated it and I loved it. He now stares at all of our neighbors from our porch.

I got this happy-anticipating feeling in my stomach and wondered if holidays could be fun.

I was so used to them being tragically sad family events.

I was used to dreading them.

What if I didn’t go home?

Someday would I roast pumpkin seeds for my kids and decorate pumpkins?

I got drunk last Friday:

My grandpa died and I had to watch it. I had to put aside my feelings again.

They cannot exist.

Instead I immediately got drunk when I arrived back on campus. It distracted me long enough to put a lock on any feelings I might have.

Realize this is the makings of alcoholism. Realize this could be the slippery slope that destroyed the lives of many in my extended family. Feel helpless to change anything. Do nothing.

 

 

 

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