Bah Humbug: The House that Santa Forgot

Posted: December 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Photo Dec 20, 10 51 12 PM

I hate Christmas. I hate all holidays and I always dread their approach. Each winter, I stand in a field facing down an approaching army with nothing but the clothes on my back. Each winter, I lose this battle. Christmas will never be something to look forward to.

This year for instance, my mother called me and told me not to bother coming home. She screamed at me for a ridiculously long time about how I’m an awful person for not cutting off contact with my older brother. Because that is obviously something any reasonable parent should demand from their children – Don’t talk to your brother who you love or else you have no home.

Though the conversation over text was extremely calm compared to the phone calls I think it demonstrates her delusional self rather well. She is well spoken and very intelligent with strong, though twisted, logic skills. However, she is very… Bipolar. To her, I am only ever as good as what I can give her and what expectations I can meet. That is not a real mother.

Photo Dec 11, 8 13 21 PM

Photo Dec 11, 8 13 31 PM

Photo Dec 11, 8 13 37 PM

Photo Dec 11, 8 13 46 PM

So she called me and disowned me…again. Unlike the past however I was not in an area I knew well. After being kicked out of my dorm for the next month, I didn’t want to curl up in a playground tunnel again because I didn’t feel safe. How about a kip in the woods? Well, I didn’t know where the drug dealing spots were. So I spent the day at a Barnes and Nobles waiting to hear back from my brother. I was there for 11 hours.

I read a book. Built a lego home.

Photo Dec 14, 12 09 06 PM

Talked to a handsome man who asked me out on the town with his friends. I declined, then regretted it due to extreme boredom. Eventually the store closed and I curled up and went to sleep in my car. I had an offer for somewhere to crash about two hours away but staying with that person would have included a whole host of social problems that I didn’t have the energy for. I’d prefer a playground tunnel.  About midnight my brother called me and told me his new address, telling me to come on over.

Somewhere in between, I mentioned my location to my best friend, H. She almost cried when I told her why I was lounging around in a book store. I didn’t mind, personally. The book store had controlled air temperature, free entertainment, clean restroom facilities and a small Starbucks. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why she was upset. I actually considered myself lucky right then.

Her pain was for the unconditional love I will never have. Her pain was for my constant rejection by the person who is supposed to accept me.

But, I accepted this fate a long time ago. And to be honest, if I were given the chance to change my life in any way… I wouldn’t. It would mean sacrificing all the small moments that mean so much to me… that my current happiness is based on. Those are my life. Changing the bad would mean changing the good and changing who I am. I happen to love my life, thank you very much.

I’d be lying if I told you I never got jealous of people with normal parents. I often sit there and dream of what life would be like if my mom were happy for me, proud of me, there for me. But she never has been and never will be. I dream of a world where my mother wasn’t too ashamed of me to attend my high school graduation. A world where she was actually proud of my good school ranking. I dream of a world where my mom was sitting there after my first day of my first job asking excitedly how it went…not attacking me for going in the first place. I dream of a world where I am loved.

So, yes. I do have pangs of jealousy when I see pictures on Facebook or Instagram of my friends getting care packages, cute text messages, or going home and being hugged because they were sorely missed. It’s all the little signs they over look… all those small indications of love that they are so used to, that they don’t have to earn… those are why I am jealous. So, sue me!

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Comments
  1. Kate says:

    Hello,

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but it’s wonderful that you’re going to college & on a roll to do big & terrific things some day.

    My mother has bipolar disorder & borderline personality disorder. Check out info on the latter if you haven’t had a chance. I knew mine was bipolar, but it took a counselor to help me realize she had bpd too. It’s all about her. No one else is allowed to feel happy or sad or upset. She has to be the focus – even calling this morning at 6:30 am then getting extremely upset when I told her the early CHRISTMAS morning is about my children & we will call you later.

    You’re not alone. :). There is a great book titled “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” It’s a wonderful book to start setting healthy boundaries (even if she isn’t bpd). It might be at your library (both of the ones near me have it).

    I wish you all the best. And your cat picture definitely made me laugh out loud.

    Take Care,

    Kate

  2. Kate,

    I’m glad I could make you laugh.

    I hope I really am on a roll to do big things someday. I love your faith in me! I know I will always be in love with life, though. So no worries here.

    I honestly never considered BPD but after doing a bit of research I think I will take a closer look at the idea. Out of curiosity, what are a few of the ways you have set boundaries with your mother?

    I want to thank you for taking the time not only to read my post, but to comment as well. I hope your Christmas turned out well for all of the family.

    Happy Holidays,
    Willow

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