Differences between sexual relations.

Posted: December 12, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

So as I mentioned in the past, I am still a virgin. Not due to a lack of people who want to screw me or an emotional attachment to the act. I’m just too prideful to leave myself vulnerable to being embarrassed.

Recently, I went to another college to visit friends. It was something of a desperate visit, a much needed escape before I exploded emotionally. Between my mother and school and both my brothers having mental breakdowns and my grandmother dying before I got the chance to say goodbye… I barely managed to keep still. Too many emotions. My coping mechanism for that is always a change of place and friendly faces.

Nate, the friend who inspired my post about being hopelessly naive, no longer speaks to me. I think I broke his heart. For the longest time I believed all he wanted from me was sex. I thought he wanted to “finish the trifecta” since he had screwed two of my closest friends already. He told me time and time again that he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I always just told him that I would have sex with him eventually but did NOT want to be anything more than friends.

But I think that’s beside the point. The point is: when I hung out with Nate, he pressured me to sleep with him, to suck his dick, to make out with him or to date him. He is a great guy and would NEVER force a girl against her will, but he is a guy who knows what he wants and is willing to do all the convincing it takes. He thought that if we slept together, he would have the chance to prove himself.

His behavior made sense to me…seemed normal to me. People know what they want and work to get what they want. Everyone for their own interests… It’s just how the world is. It’s how the world I was raised in was. My bipolar mother only ever thought or acted on her own desires. I was only good in her eyes as long as I served a purpose in gaining what she wanted. And so I had to work hard to keep my worth.

But that night when I went to visit my friends, I ended up staying at one of my best friend/ sometimes fling’s place. Let’s call him J. We are perfect friends. It’s easy for us to be around each other. It’s just natural and comfortable. I had planned on crashing on his couch because, to be honest, last time I checked he was an awful kisser (bad at using tongue) and the last thing I wanted was to give him the wrong idea. But when I went to go out to the other room, he told me I could crash on his bed as long as I didn’t mind scooting over for him.

When he finally crawled in bed with me, we cuddled. He nervously asked if that was okay. He held me all night, without expecting a thing in return. In the morning, all he dared to do was give me a kiss on the cheek while cuddling. He nervously asked if that was okay. We had made out in the past so I knew it wasn’t his nervousness. He simply did not want to do anything that I did not want. I took things from there.

I went farther with him than I have with anyone in the past. But just before we had sex, I told him we shouldn’t go any farther. My reason? I wanted this memory to be characterized by his good intentions. I wanted to remember it by his innocent desire to not push me. And I felt comfortable enough to do that. I knew J would respect my wishes without question. In his place, Nate would have wheedled and whined and tried to convince me.

I felt bad about the situation down under I was leaving him to deal with, so I offered to try and give him a blow job. I felt almost obligated to try. I felt like I was expected to. He looked at me with a surprised face and said ” You don’t have to. It’s only what you’re okay with. I mean I’d like it, but it’s completely up to you.”

I’m used to people demanding what they want from me, and me either choosing to assert myself and turn them down or giving them what they want. I am not used to people thinking of what it is I want, when it might not coincide with what they want. J made me feel treasured. And I hope we will always be friends… also I plan on sleeping with him soon.

I did not end up giving him a blow job.




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