This One is For All You Moms Out There

Posted: November 14, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Sometimes I like to sit in the park while children are playing, not for the kids, but to see the loving looks of moms as they see their babies happy. Sometimes I can’t help but grin from ear to ear when I see a mom comforting a crying elementary student, because I know once their mom “kisses it better” it will do a lot more than neosporin and a bandaid ever could. When I picked up my sister from track practice every day, I loved parking near the other cars because more often than not I could see a mom that came early just to try and get a peek of their kid running. Maternal feelings hold more beauty for me than anything I can think of.

I want to be a mom more than anything. In a way, I already am, having raised myself, my sister, and my bipolar mother, but it’s just not the same. I loved babysitting and playing with kids and they loved me too. I know that what I want more than anything is to shower love on several children of my own, but I don’t think that will ever happen. I’m simply too afraid. I will never give birth to a child because bipolar disorder is genetic and I refuse to risk passing that on to a child. It feels selfish. I could never forgive myself if my child turned out to have bipolar disorder. Adoption could be my miracle, if I weren’t convinced that I will develop bipolar disorder when I’m older. I’m not saying that bipolar parents are bad parents, I’m merely saying that the way bipolar disorder manifested itself in my mother made it so that her own children don’t consider her a parent. I don’t want to continue the cycle and give an innocent kid the childhood I had.

To me a mom is a warm hug, someone you can always rely on and someone you know will always love you. People ask me why I don’t consider my mother to be a parent and that is because her hugs are full of desperation and selfish feelings – she only wants to make herself feel loved or useful as a parent. My mother has never been someone I could rely on – her problems come first, her emotions are too unstable to handle any problems I might come to her with, she makes things worse by overreacting, and anything I tell her will eventually be thrown back in my face or twisted around. And I can never count on my mother to love me. Some days, she tries to kill herself because she is too ashamed of me and wishes I were never born. Other days, she disowns me and tells me I’m not her child. I wake up every morning knowing full well that I might not be considered her daughter by the end of the night. I’m not talking about the typical mother actions that she didn’t perform like taking us to sport practices or cooking dinner. That’s an entirely different story. The feelings were what mattered to me and my mother is incapable of maternal feelings.

Anytime her kids come to her for help, she quickly turns the situation into “poor mom” whose life is oh so bad. She cannot think of her child’s welfare over her own even when her children are desperate. The most current example of this is my brother. If y’all read my previous post. Then you understand the emotional damage and need for counseling that my brother suffers from and how he came home to humbly seek the help he needed. However, my mom doesn’t view things the same way. I spent  my weekend listening to her rant about how my brother “needs to be locked up” in a mental hospital to “see what the real world is like”. And hearing how she “never destroyed the house like that”, when, in fact, my mother destroying the house is, at the very least, a monthly occurrence. She then burst into tears, crying out that she was a victim and then angrily shouting “how dare he say that I abused him, he doesn’t know what abuse is”. From there, she would launch into stories of how awful her childhood was. Not once did she stop to think: My son has an emotional problem and needs help to make it through this tough time. Not once did she worry for her son’s sake. Instead, she renounced him as a child, viewing him instead as a rabid animal. All she could think of was how she could earn pity for herself.

I know what a real mother should feel because I have these feelings on a daily basis whenever I think of my little sister. I beam with pride at the mention of her and can’t help but go into information overload when she comes up in conversation. I remember my pride as she took on her first babysitting gig and the gentle nudges I’d give her to overcome her shyness. I remember my elation when she finally felt comfortable going up to a counter and purchasing things on her own. I remember joining the ranks of those mothers I so admire, showing up early to practice to try and catch a glimpse of her hard at work, running on the track. I anticipate those important moments in her life, such as graduation and prom. I want her to be proud of herself and happy in life. And most importantly of all, I always want to protect her. I just want what’s best for her.

I visit my friends’ moms often. I never quite figured out whether that is because I subconsciously seek a real parent or because I just enjoy their company. It’s probably a little of both. I know I’m at an age when most people are still relying heavily on their parents for advice and guidance, but I have found that the number of people coming to me for help in those areas has only increased since I started college. People even call me the ‘dorm mom’ on occasion, because I will always take care of those in need. I have the habit of carrying home drunk girls and I always step up to the plate whenever anyone needs a comforting hug and sit by their side all night when they are sick. Some have misconstrued my excessive caring as signs that I am lesbian, which is hilarious, but wrong. Taking care of my sister and these young women who are just learning to live on their own is probably the closest I will ever come to being a mom.

So I just want to say thank you, to all you moms out there for bringing so much beauty and love to the world. And to showing me what true dedication is, because in no way is it easy to devote your entire being to another person. The ideals of  “Republican Motherhood“, though maybe not the best for political usage, ring true in that the mothers of our children shape our world. They way they raise our youth determines our future as a society. Stay strong and carry on, because each and every one of y’all are making our world a better place.


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