KABOOM… something blew up in my house.

Posted: November 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

It was my brother’s temper that exploded today… though from the looks of the place it could have just as easily been a bomb or robbers ransacking the house.

view from staircase

My brother always had trouble finding a way to deal with his feelings. Once, he got so angry at my mother that he punched his arm through the car door window…just because it was there. He is lucky to be able to use that arm.

Other people may see the damage he caused and wonder why anybody would stand for that. They don’t see that he is a scared, lost and lonely little twenty year old, verbally abused throughout his childhood. Recently he even found college to be too much for him, either emotionally or through the work load. He is dropping out, but that leaves him even more lost in the world than before. My brother is horribly damaged and needs help.

The best chance for that is to stay near our parents, because my father can help him and really we are all he has. The downside to that is he WILL NOT get better by being at home, and so cannot stay in the house. Mother dearest is the reason we are all so messed up to begin with. Her bipolar disorder narrows her train of thought to what she is feeling and how events affect her. She is literally incapable of thinking of our well being long enough to be a parent at all.

For instance, a year or two ago, the only stable thing in my brother’s life turned on him. His girlfriend of over two years had been cheating on him with his best friend. It may not seem like much to most people, but for him, she was the one thing he could count on because every other factor of his life was unpredictable and traumatic. This was what broke the camel’s back. He spiraled downward and pretty soon came home, humble and asking for help. At that point he was suicidal and my mother threw herself into the role of ‘loving mother’, smothering him with unwanted attention. That lasted about a day before she was screaming at him for being ungrateful for everything she did for him. The woman literally was incapable of being there for someone in their time of need without turning it into all about her. She was OBVIOUSLY mistreated and poor mommy is obviously so unloved  by her family that she does so much for that she feels the need to go kill herself again. She made the whole situation so much worse than it was and couldn’t, for the life of her, be there for her hurting child who crawled home asking for help.

Today was no different. When I called her today, she was sobbing and telling me how she a victim. She also threw her anger around, declaring that my brother had no idea what abuse was. She started going into her childhood, which to be honest was not so different from ours. She is just incapable of seeing that. My mother became the next link in the child abuse cycle, and she refuses to believe it.

My brother told me that today  he wrote off our mother as a parent. I agreed because I can’t remember a time past age 9 where I considered her a parent.

Things today were pretty messy. My brother ended up having to meet the sheriffs and the EMTs at a grocery store parking lot because he refused to go home. My brother is so damaged and it kills me inside that I have no magic way to fix him. It kills me inside that he had no chance from the start. It kills me that his road to recovery will likely be traumatic as well due to my mother’s involvement.

I love him with all my heart, my broken-hearted brother.

  1. No advice to give, but someone out here listened.

    • That means more than any words you could give me. I don’t write in a plea for help. I know I have done the best I could with what I have and I live with no regrets. All I wanted was for people to hear and understand or maybe realize something new. So thank you.

  2. […] are desperate. The most current example of this is my brother. If y’all read my previous post. Then you understand the emotional damage and need for counseling that my brother suffers from and […]

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