What are you talking about? That never happened!

Posted: October 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I think one of the loneliest parts about having a bipolar parent is when they forget all the things they do to you.

Mom used to corner me in the closet, tear me apart verbally and occasionally get physical. Even though it always devastated me, in the morning she wouldn’t even remember a single moment of it.

I

have

never

felt

so

alone.

At least when someone at school got in a fight with me or insulted me, I wasn’t alone in the experience. They may remember a different side of the event. They may hate me for what happened. They definitely have a different perception of it. But at least what happened exists in them as well as me.

But Mom always forgot so my memories seemed false, like a dream. I’d feel like I’m not allowed to feel sad over something that seemingly didn’t happen. I’d feel almost at fault for not forgetting too, or for holding things against her that didn’t exist to her. But if I forget then they never were. The responsibility for remembering the true extent of our relationship and all the feelings that come with it rests solely on my shoulders. When making new memories with her, the old memories made them contain different meanings. So even the memories we both remembered became lonely because my experiences and thoughts would be so vastly different from hers.

Imagine if your best friend or your family couldn’t remember half of your experiences together. The ones that were heart wrenching or the ones that were good. Imagine if half of your life with them existed only in your head. Wouldn’t you feel alone too?

These thoughts were brought up by this girl I am distant friends with. At a party last night, she got completely wasted, walked up to me in the crowd and slapped me across the face with everything she had. I ended up literally carrying her home and watching over her as she puked her guts out for three hours, rambling on about her deepest secrets. This morning she didn’t remember any of it. She didn’t even remember seeing me last night.

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